Putting The Vial in Viall (1)

Episode 1 of the “controversial” season of The Bachelor premiered last night and it had everything we were expecting. The long road to convincing America that Nick has changed and is really a nice guy has just begun. From weird pornographic scenes of him in the shower to “blooper” scenes of him in interviews, ABC is pulling out all the stops to make this guy seem like he isn’ a complete and total douche bag. And guess what? I AIN’T BUYIN’ IT!

And even though I am feeling totally fucking uninspired to recap the show because some Snapchat troll spoiled the ending for me last night, I will continue to do God’s work without spoiling it for you guys.

As per usual, the group of ladies didn’t disappoint. They brought the crazy (cough cough Corinne) and all dressed in red. Ha. Many of the women (and Sean Lowe) expressed that seeing Nick on Bachelor In Paradise really changed their perception of him. Um, how dumb are these people? It’s called editing…

Out of the 30 girls who stumbled out of the limo, I only remember about 5 of them which I think is supposed to happen. Here are (in my opinion) the 5 girls who really matter:

Tiffany Trump Stassi Schroeder Corinne:


Awful. Just awful. If I am 24 and still have a nanny please just slap me. And if I go on national TV and willingly admit that I still have a nanny, just fucking kill me.

She basically started to dry hump Nick in front of everyone after giving him a bag of money. Like, we get it Corinne. You’re rich cause you have a “business” at home.



Probably the first time I met a girl on The Bachelor and didn’t immediately hate her. She’s very pretty and I couldn’t stop smiling like a big dope when they shot her at home with her special needs students.

She actually seems like a good person which is weird cause like, why is she on this show?

I thought she was clearly the front runner for the first impression rose.



I LOVE when the producers put smart people on the show. Makes me feel smart for watching a show with a lawyer on it that isn’t Law & Order.

I like Rachel. She seems nice, smart and not crazy. It made me like Nick that he gave her the first impression rose. Maybe he’s not so bad after all. Lol jk he’s the worst.

Danielle L:


She didn’t get much airtime last night but I liked her! She’s much prettier than her Bachelor portrait lets on. She too is a “business owner” which is vague as fuck but I think Nick liked her. He kept complimenting her dress, probably because her nipple was about the fall out the whole night.

She also didn’t seem that crazy which was disappointing but who knows? People change.



Don’t like her at all. She gives me weird stalker-esque vibes.

I love that Nick called her out for not being there for the right reason. Like, Liz – you FUCKED Nick. He wanted your number and you said no. Six months later he becomes a huge national celebrity and you “coincidentally” changed your mind about him? Be more transparent.


So all in all it was an eventful episode where nothing happened. Classic ABC!

Can’t remember one name of any of the girls who went home. Oh, and a message to those girls: stop crying! We know you’re not actually upset because a guy you’ve known for 12 hours rejected you. It’s because you can’t go home, quit your job and sell tea on Instagram.


  1. Kate January 3, 2017 at 11:55 am


  2. Laura January 3, 2017 at 2:04 pm

    Nailed. It.

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